Keep Calm and Carry on.
We are quite new to the adoption process, relatively speaking. other couples we have spoken to have been waiting for months on end to no avail. And we have barely finished our homestudy.
Unfortunately for us we dragged our feet during the application process, and in so doing it has been over a year since started working with the agency. But now we have been fully vetted by the agency and are cleared to adopt. Because of this we recently received our first screening e-mail from our agency, which was an emotional rollercoaster.
Before the agency presents adoptive parent profiles and letters to birthparents, the adoptive parents are "screened", or checked with to make sure that there are no objectionable situations concerning the birthparent or baby that would cause the adoptive parents to reject them, such as drug use, gender, race, or age.
Every adoptive parent has their own level of comfort with these issues. While some things like gender or race may not even be a factor, substance abuse or possible health problems are things that many parents need to consider seriously.
During our interview and homestudy process, we had to explore and define our own adoption parameters. We both know that race and gender aren't an issue. We also decided to consider slightly older infants, up to 20 months. And even twins.
Those parts were easy. But the hardest part was exploring our parameters concerning alcohol and substance abuse. Fortunately K is a health care provider, and had the opportunity to speak to colleagues about what a baby born from a mother who used drugs or alcohol would be like in a practical sense.
The truth is, and the answer we gave, is that everything depends on the individual. Some types of substance abuse can have more severe effects on a fetus than others. And so we left ourselves open to considering those children as well, on a case-by-case basis.
Which is how I found myself reading a screening email, the first such, from an adoption counselor who was working with a birth mom in labor who used methamphetamines throughout most of the pregnancy. Put aside the drug use. Here I was; at work on a Friday. K was on a hiking trip in Yellowstone and out of contact at the moment. And the worker needed an answer IMMEDIATELY.
A. I was freaking out because this was our first screening email from the agency.
B. K was not going to be able to weigh in on this. It was all on me.
C. I knew once I read the whole thing through that I had to turn this opportunity down.
While we left ourselves open to considering some drug use; this was continuous. If this baby came out of it without cognitive disabilities it would be a miracle. And we had made a point of educating ourselves and coming to mutual decisions about what we want parenting to look like for us.
We can accept that unforeseen things happen on the parenting journey. We will definitely accept whatever challenges come up as dads. While part of me mourns that baby that wasn't meant to be; that little asian/black/choctaw girl, I know she wasn't ours. We both believe firmly that we deserve a healthy baby just as much as anyone else.
I hope and believe that she went to her perfect parents. And I choose to trust in this process, and believe that our perfect (for us) baby will arrive when the time is right. It's ok for K and I to choose a healthy baby. We deserve that. It might be our only one.
Unfortunately for us we dragged our feet during the application process, and in so doing it has been over a year since started working with the agency. But now we have been fully vetted by the agency and are cleared to adopt. Because of this we recently received our first screening e-mail from our agency, which was an emotional rollercoaster.
Before the agency presents adoptive parent profiles and letters to birthparents, the adoptive parents are "screened", or checked with to make sure that there are no objectionable situations concerning the birthparent or baby that would cause the adoptive parents to reject them, such as drug use, gender, race, or age.
Every adoptive parent has their own level of comfort with these issues. While some things like gender or race may not even be a factor, substance abuse or possible health problems are things that many parents need to consider seriously.
During our interview and homestudy process, we had to explore and define our own adoption parameters. We both know that race and gender aren't an issue. We also decided to consider slightly older infants, up to 20 months. And even twins.
Those parts were easy. But the hardest part was exploring our parameters concerning alcohol and substance abuse. Fortunately K is a health care provider, and had the opportunity to speak to colleagues about what a baby born from a mother who used drugs or alcohol would be like in a practical sense.
The truth is, and the answer we gave, is that everything depends on the individual. Some types of substance abuse can have more severe effects on a fetus than others. And so we left ourselves open to considering those children as well, on a case-by-case basis.
Which is how I found myself reading a screening email, the first such, from an adoption counselor who was working with a birth mom in labor who used methamphetamines throughout most of the pregnancy. Put aside the drug use. Here I was; at work on a Friday. K was on a hiking trip in Yellowstone and out of contact at the moment. And the worker needed an answer IMMEDIATELY.
A. I was freaking out because this was our first screening email from the agency.
B. K was not going to be able to weigh in on this. It was all on me.
C. I knew once I read the whole thing through that I had to turn this opportunity down.
While we left ourselves open to considering some drug use; this was continuous. If this baby came out of it without cognitive disabilities it would be a miracle. And we had made a point of educating ourselves and coming to mutual decisions about what we want parenting to look like for us.
We can accept that unforeseen things happen on the parenting journey. We will definitely accept whatever challenges come up as dads. While part of me mourns that baby that wasn't meant to be; that little asian/black/choctaw girl, I know she wasn't ours. We both believe firmly that we deserve a healthy baby just as much as anyone else.
I hope and believe that she went to her perfect parents. And I choose to trust in this process, and believe that our perfect (for us) baby will arrive when the time is right. It's ok for K and I to choose a healthy baby. We deserve that. It might be our only one.
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