The Helplessness of Waiting
After a few more fruitless screening letters from OA&FS, we are back to the waiting game. I try not to be preoccupied with the process, yet it sometimes feels as if my life is on hold while I am waiting for the world to catch up with my expectations.
I find myself often logging onto the OA&FS website; looking to see if the pool of waiting parents has shrunk or changed in some significant manner. I know this is counterproductive and not good for my self esteem, yet I can't help it. It is the same with the monthly newsletter we receive by email. I hastily read through the general announcements and outreach news so I can read the news of who has been matched and has successfully adopted.
I usually think to myself: "Why were they picked and not us?!" Of course, that is never a good question and I always know it. I know that whoever picks us will probably do so because we just look or feel right to them. Just as it was with those other parents.
I wish I knew a way to stop myself from obsessing. I constantly monitor my phone. I have to stop my self from talking about the subject around people (Can I just say that it is really ironic that I am the one who is infertile and struggling to conceive, and yet I am trying to comfort everyone else?).
I know I won't stop waiting in my own crazy way. I accept this situation a little more every time we are passed by for someone else. But I know that there is a huge part of me that is continues to grieve every day. It is different for K. He just pushes it all away as soon as he is able to. I don't know how to go through a process such as this and not be emotionally involved. It is part of who I am.
I can accept that I am going through pain and personal trials. I just have to find a way to prevent it from influencing the rest of my life. Today I almost broke down crying in front of my supervisor at work, and I realize now that it was because of all of this.
Maybe tomorrow we'll be picked, or it might be six months from now. that is the hardest part of this for me. Not having control over this process. Giving it up to chance.
I find myself often logging onto the OA&FS website; looking to see if the pool of waiting parents has shrunk or changed in some significant manner. I know this is counterproductive and not good for my self esteem, yet I can't help it. It is the same with the monthly newsletter we receive by email. I hastily read through the general announcements and outreach news so I can read the news of who has been matched and has successfully adopted.
I usually think to myself: "Why were they picked and not us?!" Of course, that is never a good question and I always know it. I know that whoever picks us will probably do so because we just look or feel right to them. Just as it was with those other parents.
I wish I knew a way to stop myself from obsessing. I constantly monitor my phone. I have to stop my self from talking about the subject around people (Can I just say that it is really ironic that I am the one who is infertile and struggling to conceive, and yet I am trying to comfort everyone else?).
I know I won't stop waiting in my own crazy way. I accept this situation a little more every time we are passed by for someone else. But I know that there is a huge part of me that is continues to grieve every day. It is different for K. He just pushes it all away as soon as he is able to. I don't know how to go through a process such as this and not be emotionally involved. It is part of who I am.
I can accept that I am going through pain and personal trials. I just have to find a way to prevent it from influencing the rest of my life. Today I almost broke down crying in front of my supervisor at work, and I realize now that it was because of all of this.
Maybe tomorrow we'll be picked, or it might be six months from now. that is the hardest part of this for me. Not having control over this process. Giving it up to chance.
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